Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
