My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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