Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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