Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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