I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
