How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
