id be glad to
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
