You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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