I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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