HIV tests are more positive than that guy
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
