made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
