Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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