her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
