I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
