My underwear smells like fireworks.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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