Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
