he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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