Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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