And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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