I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
