mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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