He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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