i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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