FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
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Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
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He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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