I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
