Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
