Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
