So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
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My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
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Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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