i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
