my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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