I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
