if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize