the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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