I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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