mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Life is so much better after having sex.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
