i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
