i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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