I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
