Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
