if you like me you must not know who I am
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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