If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
