Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
