did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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