We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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