When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Randomize
