I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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