the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Can Purell be used as lube?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
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Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
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You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.