I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
ra ra ra ah ah
sexting lady gaga style
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Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
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Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone