Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
