I am in a vortex of obligation.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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