Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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