i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I did not marry a roomba.
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