"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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