Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
