I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
