So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
