She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
