thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
