the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
